2023 Reflections

I have spent over 25 years talking with parents about supporting their kids' education and wellbeing. After a turbulent few years dealing with the pandemic, I offer compassionate reflections on what I’ve learned about helping kids heal up before catching up academically.

Episode Highlights:
[02:22] - Kids tend to heal up before they catch up academically after disruptions like COVID.
[05:11] - Focus on balancing healthy inflows and outflows of stress for families.
[07:33] - Importance of parents being a non-anxious presence for kids.
[09:44] - Let kids solve their own problems; don't take over.
[12:11] - Anecdote about letting his son handle his own last-minute paper crunch.
[15:55] - Excelling in college after years of school struggles.
[19:22] - Kids want to do well even if they seem resistant.
[21:33] - Changing the energy from pressure to support with a struggling student.
[25:44] - Taking the long view and having confidence in kids.
[27:11] - Things can get better even after really tough years.

If this episode has struck a chord with you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. Here's to growing, learning, and thriving as adults in this wild world. Until next time!

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

Transcript

Ned Johnson: 0:49

Every year brings new things, ideally some growth, probably some challenges, and maybe even a little reflection. As I end 2023, and you do the same, I thought I'd share with you a few of my reflections, as a parent, as an educator, as the host of the self driven child podcast. Welcome to the self driven child podcast. I'm your host, Ned Johnson, and co author with Dr. Williams pictured of the books, the self driven child the signs and sense of giving your kids more control over their lives. And what do you say, how to talk with kids to build motivation, stress tolerance, and a happy home. So a few thoughts. One is this, that when we see kids struggle, particularly in things involving school, and things where they mark themselves compared to other people, or we mark them compared to other people, we can get anxious and work really hard to help kids catch up. But my thought is this. Kids tend to heal up before they catch up, not the other way around. Especially with two and a half years now into COVID. And we read all the reports about way the kids have had learning loss, and all the struggles. And we can put all of our energy into helping kids catch up, catch up, get ahead, whatever that happens to mean. But in my experience, I've seen kids heal up and then catch up. I've seen this in my own life with my own kids. And certainly with a lot of the students with whom I work. We talk about long COVID and the long term effects of that. And I think it's important to remember that even if it isn't the long COVID, it's the long term effects of COVID. My wife's a school teacher, and talks about as many people do, that seeing in eighth grade kids who act like their sixth graders, or 10th graders who will act like they're eight. And we often attribute this to learning or lessons that hadn't been gathered. But importantly, at least for me, a lot of this has to do with brain development, particularly healthy brain development. And as Lisa demore pointed out to COVID was kind of a one, two, maybe three years exercise in avoidance. And it's easy for people to get locked into that avoidance, and then by avoiding things that are stressful, but also challenging, and more so opportunities to grow. Some of those opportunities to grow, haven't happened, yet taken a note from Carol Dweck. And so it can be stressful for us as parents or as teachers, there's really anyone seeing young people who seems so far behind, and we want to hurry up, come on, catch up, catch up, you, you got to catch up, man. And of course, that stress that we feel become stressed that they feel and we're back to more avoidance. The second thing that I reflect on is that in terms of healthy nervous systems, for a person, for a family, for community, we have inflows of stress, and we have outflows of stress. And when the inflows of stress are greater than the outflows of stress, every kind of bad outcome that you can imagine, comes around from excessive drinking, to domestic violence, to school avoidance to mental health disorders, and on and on it goes. And I was thinking about this the other day, because at the Saturday morning, I saw a whole bunch of kids, the first six of whom were all young women diagnosed with anxiety. And in case you don't know, young women tend to be more vulnerable to developing anxiety and depression than to young men for a whole bunch of reasons. And these are all now 11th grade kids. So COVID for them would have been at the tail end of eighth grade, and go into the ninth grade and times when again, young brains are being developed. And so when I talk with them, not just about, you know, test prep and all the work that I do, but endlessly about sleep and exercise, and things that are not only valuable for their mental health, and actually good for test scores in case anyone's interested for kids who oftentimes know how they want to perform, but they haven't yet acquired the tools or the balance of tools so that they have as many healthy outflows of stress as they do in flows. And it's something that's really true for us as parents as well. And I'll boy, I'll come back to later. But one of the healthy outflows of stress for all young people, is the degree to which the parents can be a non anxious presence and sort of act as a stress sponge, to take stress out of the family and out of the developing bodies and brains of young people tied to that about being a non anxious presence. As parents, we want to help solve problems, oftentimes for our kids, but at least ideally with them, their kids developing the ability to handle and solve problems for themselves. And one, the challenge that happens when we're more anxious than kids are is they don't bring problems to us. They hide them from us, in part because they may not want to do with our eggs, but oftentimes they're just they don't want to make us upset they don't want to do so. point is they don't like seen as stressed. And so when we feel more stressed or seem more stressed to our kids than they want us to be, they don't bring problems to us. And it's pretty darn hard for us as parents or as educators to solve problems that we don't know about. And so one way to put this together as if we remind ourselves when things aren't going well, whose problem is it? Whose problem is it, and it is our kids problem. And it's our job to offer help, and to be there to help them but not to try to be overly anxious and grab the steering wheel from them and solve problems for them. I think about this because as I'm recording this, it's the holidays. And this time last year, my delightful son, our delightful son, had finished his semester, we were all getting together and traveling to Montreal, Canada, we don't live far from there. I would just spend a weekend. And again, the semester hadn't ended. And I kind of asked my son, he said, were you able to get all his papers done? They overdue on? He said, Well, the professor gave me an extension. And I said, oh, so yeah, but to do at the end the week, I'm like, Dude, we have you've already left school, it's the end of the semester. I know, I know. But the rest are set. They're due at the end of the week. Okay, how many papers you have to do? And I think the answer was roughly a million. And I was, I admit to being pretty stressed about it, one, because I'm thinking oh, my gosh, you've left semester with all your textbook, and you still haven't handed these things in. And two, I said to him, I don't get to start my holiday until I get you back. And as long as you are up to your ears and papers, I just I you know, I don't get to enjoy you. Part of you wanted to frankly, take them on throttle. I'm like, What are you thinking of all these papers? Ooh, how could you? And but I knew that wouldn't help. So in the back of my head was the wisdom of my friend Bill structured, who said, Whose problem isn't? And I reminded myself these were his problems, in part because I couldn't help him with his work, even if I wanted to which ethically, obviously, he wouldn't have let me do then I wouldn't want to, in part, because these were papers in Spanish. And so my delightful child over three days wrote 32 pages of essays, 20 of them in Spanish. So how did I help? Well, every day, I'd say, you know, anything that I can help you with? His answer would always be No. Would you like me to get your breakfast? Sure. Is it cool if I check in with you in a couple hours, okay, that's what he did. And somehow this kid powered through and got all these things done. I'm smiling as I tell the story, because my son just finished his semester a couple of days ago. And he come home and he had one more paper due. And it was due at midnight on a Friday. And he hit Send I had actually gone to bed because I whose problem is it. And I viewed my sleep better dad went together outflows of stress again, and according to him, he hit Send at 11:59pm Understood midnight, which could only make me think hmm, so you're still at HDR? Yeah. And of course, this is not an issue of character. It's an issue of chemistry. It's the brain that he has. And part of what he's trying to do and all young people are trying to do is to figure out how to make things work. He wants to do well, and he has done well, he does in terms that are a little crazy making to anyone who isn't who isn't him who doesn't have that remarkable but ADHD brain that he has, and much like people who break really late, when you're driving, you know, you're not going to hit the car in front of you. But if you're the passenger, it sure feels like you're just might. And the same thing here with the paper. Which brings me really to my fourth point, the kids want to do well, they want to do well. And I'll pivot over to my daughter who is been this great exercise in patience and confidence. And taking the long in the long boom. For those of you don't know my daughter has had a very bumpy way through middle school, full school refusal for the last three months of eighth grade a lot of complicated stuff during high school, health stuff mental health stuff on and on ago, started college last year, and was there for three days and then paced out in between got a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, which nobody guessed, because she was so good at masking and so darn funny and smart and clever and all that kind of stuff. But she had a Dickens of a time. And for far too long. She would kept muttering under breath, I hate my life. And as a dad, that's awfully hard to hear and same thing for her mom. And I'm happy to say that she just finished her first semester. And we get these texts from her that say things like, I love my friends. My classes are so great. She asked us whether second semester we would pay for her to take an additional class because according to her school, she was only permitted to take I don't know 15 credits or 16 and she wants to take 18 And would we be willing to pay for her to take another semester another class in this semester because the class that she really wants to take and my wife and Ella Why they're like, What, because four years ago, five years ago, she didn't want to do school at all. And really didn't want to live her life at all. Because she said she hated it. And here she is saying, I want to take another class. Oh, and by the way, God grades that by both of her parents in the dust, and so through all of that sky, all that adventure with my daughter, and things been really hard for an awfully long while. My wife and I never ever, ever, ever emphasized her academic performance, never once looked at her grades, even though we got these emails saying, hey, they're on board, online, never check the portal never never did it. All of our effort, and our focus was on her. Because remind ourselves, the kids and my kid especially he's got a heck of a brain in her head. And she wants her life to work out. And the more that I know, for me, at least, the more that I would push on anything, the more she would resist it. And I sure as heck didn't want her to resist what was in her own best interest. And I offer this up, because if you're listening to this, chances are you've got a kid or kids where things aren't easy. Because from us, no kid are things ever easy. We went through COVID with all the challenges many of you had, at the same kind of things. We had two kids who are impossibly sick one with a brain tumor, and that's my son, he was the easy one to explain. And my daughter with this whole host of other challenges. And so it's hard as a parent, when your kid is struggling, or sad, lonely, no friends, school isn't going well. You know, sports, music, life isn't going well. And it's so easy not to be overly fearful about their future. But if you remind yourself that you love your kid, they have a brain in their head, and they want their lives to work out. And part of the way that we if you feel like you're locked in a battle with your kid, and going around around in circles, and they're resisting what you know, is in their own or at least, is there in their own best interest. Try to change the energy. There's a story I've been telling quite a bit of light talking with schools, and you guys, you all might enjoy this. If I told this to before I apologize. I really liked this story. So I'm working with this young man who worked with his older sister, she was really academic and made things look easy. And for this kid, things were harder. He is ADHD has learning disabilities, he's developed anxiety, he's developed depression, when his dad checked in with me, he was not doing his work until late at night and then stayed up through the middle night doing his work between like one and 3am, which is kind of a suboptimal way to do school. So I get this email from dad saying, you know, can I talk with you about? Well, I've decided to remove all, all support to him. I'd be happy to talk. So get on the phone. So the first question I ask is, can you tell me what kind of support Have you been given him? I remind him to do his homework. Hmm. How's it working very well. Okay. How many times a day do you remind him to do his homework? Well, not that much. I mean, my wife was the one who really, you know, it was on him all the time. Okay. And Ben, for you. That's what once twice, maybe four or five times, which probably means five or six or seven. And his much better half is more than twice that arguably. And so I said, so he's getting reminded what, six 810 1215 times a day about his homework will probably, and it gets home from hockey at seven. And he goes, you guys go to bed at 11. So what is it like every 15 minutes? And there's a long pause. And he said, Well, can I offer a suggestion? He says, Okay, I said try this. When he comes home ask him. Hey, kiddo, do you got a plan for what you got to do for tomorrow? He says I do. I do. I do want to make him show me plan. For now. Don't make him show you the plan. Just ask whether he has a plan? And if he says yes, he great. And if it says no offer, would you like me to help you make a plan? And if he says yes to help and if he says no, don't? He's looking at me like what else? Okay, next thing on the list. If he has a plan for what he needs to do tomorrow, I asked him, Is there anything I can be helpful with? And this guy's remind this dad is I really liked him. He's a little concerned about his kid, understandably, but he's really he's really sharp. He's very good at the work he does. And he's got a lot of good ideas. And so just to offer, is there anything I can help with? And if he says yes, try to follow through as best you can. If he says no, trust him. That's it. Well, no third thing because you won't be able to do this just once. Ask him Is it okay get by and get by and get by? And is it okay if I circle back around in an hour and a half or so and just see if there's anything that you need help with? So you're given this energy that I'm here to help not that I'm checking in on you to make sure on top of it, but I wanted to check in in case you change your mind and I need and you need some help from the art can be helpful in a way. He says okay, he said, That's it. I said try it. So later that night, I get an email. I'm just probably 11 o'clock in the morning. We We've been talking, I get an email, I don't know, eight o'clock, nine o'clock at night. There, Ned, it may have been the advice you offered, or maybe something else had changed. But we he and I just had the best conversation about school, possibly ever. We'd help kids change by changing our own energy. So this kid desperately wants to go to the same school that his super nerdy sister is going to, there's a big family connection there. But it's harder for him. And so this is a kid who needs more support, because he's ADHD has learning disabilities. He's got some mental health stuff going on, it's all harder for him. And for my experience, when his folks were leaning on him leaning on leaning on the because they love him so much, and they want him to do well. But he was receiving that, not in the way that they hoped that he would. And by changing the energy. And by not by offering not forcing, and helping them feel less stressed and therefore less reactive. It made it easier for him to be open to the support that they wanted to give him because they change the energy. And this goes back to point I made before about a close connection. This dad loves his kid as much as you love your kids. But the energy that was given was not about the relationship. It was about the homework. And when he focused on mild treating his kid respectfully and saying, I want to help you anyway, that a darn wall can it made his son be more open to taking advice and also made us more open to sharing the challenge that he was having in school. And again, this brilliant loving dad was then able to help more effectively with problems that He now understood better. And the last thing I want to say wish to say is simply this that, particularly if you've got kids where things aren't going hard, you we can help kids get back on the path that they want, by taking the long view and having confidence that they want things to work well, when they want their life to work out. Because unlike a video game, this is the one life that they get into, we can more helpful by changing the energy. And the last thing because I tend to run pathologically optimistic is that things can get better, I'm not going to be pollyannish and tell you that I know that they're gonna get better and all turnout because I don't say things that I don't know to be true. But what I do know is that things can get better. And I've walked this with my kids, again, we had a heck of a few years there with some really major stuff going on. One kid ADHD, and all the challenge that brought on by that another kid autistic and nobody knew it. And then some pretty significant health stuff thrown right in the middle of it. Oh, and there's that COVID thing. So it's been a long run for me and my kids. And I'm guessing for you and your kids, and frankly, most of the world. And so we want to take the long view and say that for all the ways that your kids have struggled in 2023. And for years before that, and maybe some time hereafter, that things can get better. I'm confident of them. I've seen it happen with many, many kids. I'll leave you with this. My writing partner, Bill stiction got a Christmas card two years ago, from his family. And he worked with these three kids. And he they were all as he described hot messes technical term. He's a neuropsychologist, you can use that. And things were really hard. He said he got a Christmas card from them. Years later, they were all in their 20s. And he's beautiful beaming young women, and their partners and spouses and dogs rolling around and everything else. And inside the card, it said, Dear Bill, you were right. They all worked out great. And so because I roll pathologically optimistic, I'm confident for you and your kids, particularly ones who's struggling, that things can all worked out. Great. So those are my reflections from 2023. Thank you for listening. If you know someone else who you think might benefit from listening to this, please share the podcast. If you have specific things for me that I can help you with or something like me to talk about, or things that I can't help with help with, but I know someone who can and I can bring them out as a guest. I'd love it. I like to help. And I like to think that occasionally I bumped into a few ideas that are helpful to you as you help your kids. I hope 2023 was good enough for you and your kids and that 2024 is even better. And that Johnson and this is the self driving Job Podcast. Hey folks, Ned here. Over the past 25 years I've talked with 1000s of parents of high school students, parents who care deeply about their kids education and how they deal with stress and the pressure to succeed. But these parents need to work with a team they trust will just pile on more pressure to achieve better grades and scores. This is why I started prep matters in 1997 to create a different kind of experience for test preparation tutoring in college admissions planning. This podcast and my books reflect our company's philosophy and approach to helping students. If you have a high school student and would like to talk about putting in place a plan, please get in touch with us, visit our website at prep matters.com or call 301-951-0350. That's 301-951-0350 Thanks