The SAT, ACT, and Other Four-Letter Words: What Do You Say When Your Kid's Scores are Low?

Let’s talk about a reality that many parents and teens face: handling disappointing standardized test scores. It’s a topic that stirs up all kinds of feelings—stress, doubt, frustration—and how we as parents respond makes all the difference. I share how common phrases, despite being well-intentioned, can unintentionally add pressure or shut down meaningful conversations. You’ll walk away with a better understanding of what to say to your teen when they’re disappointed and how to be that steady, supportive presence they need most. Whether it’s the PSAT, SAT, ACT, or any high-stakes test, your words matter and can make a world of difference in guiding them through it.

Episode Highlights:
[0:00] Introduction and why test scores stir deep emotions for both kids and parents.
[3:15] Understanding the language of support: what to avoid and why.
[6:00] “But you’re smarter than this”—how this phrase backfires and what to say instead.
[10:20] Shifting from dismissive comments like “It’s just anxiety” to more validating responses.
[13:45] The problem with labeling mistakes as “stupid” and how to reframe them as learning opportunities.
[16:30] Why “I don’t care as long as you did your best” can feel like hidden pressure.
[19:00] Building trust and resilience by being a non-judgmental, safe base for your teen.

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If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

Transcript

Ned Johnson: 0:50

When kids feel like we're on their side and we have their back, it makes it easier for them to be honest with themselves and open about the things that they might need to do differently. It also makes it easier for them to not just work hard, but to want to work hard, to put themselves out there, especially if they're anxious to kind of charge into battle and say, oh, let's go. We'll see how this goes, and to know that if they got to get beat up, that they have a safe base to retreat to, that they can regroup, to someone who will ask questions in an open way, take interest in their perspectives and offer support if your kid wants to try again. Welcome to the self driven child podcast. I'm your host, Ned Johnson and co author with Dr William stick shoot of the books, the self driven child, the science and sense of giving your kids more control over their lives and what do you say? How to talk with kids to build motivation, stress tolerance and a happy home. It's that time of year again when shivers run down spines young and old. No, it's not Halloween that has passed. And while the election is a perennial cause of fright or delight, depending on your perspective, on the outcome, I'm talking about something else. Test scores, if you have a teen of a certain age, or are in the, I don't know, blast zone of kids of certain ages. Standardized test scores can really do a number on children and their psyches and family dynamics. So let's dig in and talk a little bit about, well, just what do you say when the scores come back, if they're anything other than woo hoo, let's go out for ice cream. What do you say when the scores are disappointing? And how to help? I'm Ned Johnson, and this is the self driven child podcast. When it comes to doing well on high stakes standardized tests, there is, of course, a lot involved. I've been at this work for 30 years, and I used to think that it was really just a matter of content knowledge and building skills. And while those things are important, there is a lot more that is involved in performance, particularly nine tests when there's a lot on the line or it feels like there's a lot on the line, motivation is a tricky thing. It can be hard to kindle and easy to extinguish, even more difficult, anxiety, it's so easy to provoke and kind of hard to allay. So even well intentioned parents, eager to urge their kids to work hard, can easily send messages or send messages that are received as and things go off the rails pretty quickly. Specifically, language that is controlling or coercive undermines the intrinsic motivation to work on not just for tests in school, but for everything really and is not hard to come up with words, though well intended, simply inflame anxiety and with it the avoidance that comes along with that. So what do you do? Well, absent boarding school for you or your kid during this difficult process of junior year or maybe senior year and standardized tests and well, in the self driven child, we have a whole chapter titled The S, C, T, A, C, T, and other four letter words, thank you, Bill for that one. I like that a lot, but I wanted to share some of the expressions, things that I feel, I hear, kind of naturally falling out of parents mouths. I understand why they're well intended, and want to talk a little bit about why and how they kind of miss the MARC and importantly, because they don't want to leave you high and dry, what you might say instead, and why. The first one that tends to come out of people's mouths, or at least a thought that jumps to mind is something like, but you're so much smarter than this. Chances are, if you've got a kid who's really academic and bright, he or she is already thinking that, and we don't really want to give energy to that kind of thinking, because standardized tests, well, in my experience, you can't do well on SAT or a CT or G or G, matter else that, or anything else like that, without knowing some stuff and having some skills. The hard part is that there are many, many, many of us, and probably some folks who who are listening, who are bright, who are academic, who worked hard and got scores. They made them go, what? And there's a lot of brain science behind that. But today, this is really just about the language of this so well you're so much smarter than this is intended to voice confidence to the impressive record of academic performance, which a kid is likely to hear is, this is a test that measures intelligence, and that somehow the PSAT perhaps, is the first test a lot of kids take that the low PSAT score has, in fact, outed them of ooh, I thought you were so much brighter. But all those A's be darned Yeah, you've been outed. And the challenge is that not only adds pressure to. Gosh, I need to do well enough on these scores to be in the running for admissions to the colleges that I should be in the running because of all the things that I do well in school and outside of school. For that matter, it actually adds more pressure, because kids now not only have to do well enough on these scores for college admissions, but they also have to prove that they're air quotes smart, still smart, and that can undermine the performance that everyone is already so, you know, invested in. Okay, so what might you say instead? Frustrating for you? I get it. I mean, you're really successful in school. So if I'm honest, these scores kind of surprise me, too. For what it's worth, I'm curious, and I'd love to explore with you kind of what's up, because something doesn't seem quite right here. From my part as a tutor, I've had kids underperform, from stress, from sleep deprivation, from the munchies, from falling asleep during the test. I kid you not. I should probably put that picture of that on the show notes for this podcast. I've also had mid test flirting, either the giving or the receiving, that distracts minds from the matter at hand. As a parent, be curious. It's a great message for you to hold and for you to convey your kids, and it helps you and your son or daughter keep on the same team of we have a bit of a puzzle here, a bit of a mystery, and gosh, let's see what we can figure out and what we can do about it. For the anxious among us, or those of us with children who are anxious and often to sweep aside the low performance and the bad feelings that go along with that, we say things like, Oh, it's just your anxiety, or it's just your learning disabilities, or it's just your test taking skills. Well, I imagine parents intend, quote, just to soften whatever currently upsets their kid. You can feel kind of invalidating. You know, you shouldn't really be that upset. It's only your whatever, and if only that weren't a thing. Well, in the kids world, it is a thing, and they've got bad scores to boot, and they've got a lot of hard feelings about that. We don't want to dismiss anxiety or learning disabilities or test taking skills, because these are important things, and they can figure pretty prominently and how kids are thinking about the test they just took and the scores they just got. Okay. So what might you say instead? Hmm, I'm wondering if there's something else anxiety, reading challenges, strategy that you need. I'm wondering if there's something else that's going on that is maybe I don't know, a missing piece, something we haven't figured out, something that, if we could put our finger on it, could help you do better. Can help you get the score that I am pretty confident that you can get when we take seriously, that there might actually be a skills gap, a missing piece, or take seriously that anxiety really did get the better of your kid the day or he or she took the test. When we take seriously the anxiety that tangles up a lot of kids without like going to pieces about or being alarmist, it really helps, because if we sweep aside this thing that may figure pretty prominently in your kid's head. It's only just our kids aren't likely to share that with us, and we're not well positioned then to help them with the anxiety, skills gap, test taking, strategies, whatever it happens to be, for 30 years, I've had parents say things like, they make so many stupid mistakes. And to be fair, I've had so many kids say, I always make these stupid mistakes. Boy, if I had five bucks for every time I heard that phrase. This may be my least favorite phrase, because it's kind of an accusation. Why do you make so many stupid mistakes? We'd like to understand why kids miss what they know how to do. But when we throw a question mark on the end of an accusation, it's still just a fancy dressed accusation. Labeling things is stupid. What I tell my students is, I don't believe there's such things as stupid mistakes. One, obviously you're not stupid. I know that. You know that. And two, when we say that things are just stupid mistakes, it's like gay they just happen. They're just coming out of thin air, no idea, therefore no explanation, therefore nothing to do about that, which also lowers the kids perceived sense of control. And low sense of control leaves all of us in a disabled position and a whole lot more stress. Also when we say things are stupid, kids are likely to then hide those mistakes from us because who wants to feel stupid, particularly in front of a loving mom or dad who wants their kid to be anything. But lastly, when we label things as stupid, kids hide those mistakes, not just from parents and maybe from the tutor, even from themselves, they try to sweep them aside, and we miss a really big opportunity to figure out just what is going on. I want kids. You want kids. We all want kids to lean towards the mistakes that they made as feedback. It's game tape like you're for professional football player. You want to run towards game tape like your professional athletes say. What can. We learn from that. So let me stay clearly there are no stupid mistakes. So in my experience, quote, unquote, stupid mistakes are almost always due to a child's attention being somewhere else. Was it too easy a question? And they, I've got that, and they kind of turned the page before they dotted an i are across the T or were they anxious and already thinking about future questions and moving fast through the question that they're on and not quite getting it right because they're worried this is taking too long, and I've got to get to that other question. Were they distracted by people around them? Happens a lot, particularly if you've got a kid who's ADHD or ADHD adjacent. These are different reasons for missing questions. The kids know how to do, and therefore they naturally have different solutions. But we don't want to start offering solutions until we understand the problem. And we don't understand the problem if we act like a missed question is just a stupid mistake when it is, of course, anything but, and, more importantly, a source of really, really useful information about how a student gets something wrong that he or she knows how to do. So again, Hey, we're back to let's be curious. Let's figure out, let's explore. So what do you say instead? Huh? If I'm looking at this right, it seems like you missed a lot of questions that were easier than the ones you got right. Is that right? Is that how the test is set up? Is that what you're seeing? Well, one way to look at that is that's good news, because the ones you got right are probably questions you already know how to do. So hey, hashtag potential. Would it help you to see why you got them wrong? I'd be happy to walk through them with you and have you and have you maybe explain it to me, and between the two of us, we can figure out what's the source of missing some questions that I'm guessing you already know how to do. Use the language of being a consultant. Offer help, offer advice, offer to sit with them, however, to ask them questions, but let them take the lead. Do your best not to be the PSAT parent police, Triple P yeah, anyway, let's not do that. Here's another one. I don't know how we could score so low when I was your age. Respectfully, your kids don't give a fig about what went down when you were their age, in part because that was five iterations back from the current PSAT and SAT a CT hasn't changed that much, but still, it was roughly a million years ago. Sometimes parents say that well intended as confidence in good test taking genes, but it's more likely that your kids are going to respond to that as feeling pressured of well, it was so easy when I was raised. Why can't it be easy for you? It also creates the possibility that they feel that they need to do well to have your approval, that, frankly, should be unconditional. Well, simply because they were kids. But again, when I was your age, tends to close down conversations rather than invite conversations, a slightly more helpful posture, particularly if you're trying to get kids to share with you what their experience was, is to act like you really don't know much, and that may not be hard, because, frankly, you probably don't know a lot about the way the SCT or AC T is currently constituted. So what might you say? I know these tests have changed a lot since I was your age, and if you're interested, I'd actually be kind of interested in learning more about them, and maybe you could share with me what that was easy and what was hard. When you offer advice, when you don't force it on it, when kids can take it or leave it, and we're more open minded, it's going to lower your kid's defensiveness, particularly if you were kind of a rock star test taker, and everybody in your family knows that, and your kid feels like, Huh, I'm never going to match up to mom or dad. So again, open mindedness lowers defensive and positions us as parents to help, to offer help, without forcing our judgment or our experience on our kids. Because frankly, the only experience and judgment that matters in this particular equation is really what your kid is experiencing. Here's another personal favorite, when kids are pretty upset about anything, but here we're talking about test scores. As parents, we naturally have an interest and an inclination to try to move them away from and or through those hard feelings. So what might that look like? Oh, man, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, scores don't really matter. I mean, who cares if you bomb the PSAT, objectively true. Subjectively, scores can carry a lot more weight in the minds of teens than you might imagine that they do. Again, back to the start, especially for bright, academic kids who get these scores back and feel that these scores have looked inside their brain, pulled off the skull cap and sort of out of them as frauds that you're not really that smart because look at this scar. Hmm. And as parents, we naturally want to try to soothe our kids hard feelings, including around scores that just seem like a poor match for who our kid is. As a learner, and while we may try to soothe our kids with the latest facts about college admissions, remember this logic doesn't calm hard feelings. Feeling understood does so at least while your kid is spinning about this, try to take their perspective and validate how they're feeling about it. What you might say instead is this. I get why you're upset. This matters a lot to you. I'd be upset too if I cared about how I did on this test. And I tried really hard, and then I felt like I bombed it, especially when the people around me who aren't any more academic than I am, and there seem to be doing so great. That sucks. I get that remember the value of sharing heart feelings for a couple of reasons. One, sharing heart feelings brings people closer to one another, and the single strongest factor against the effects of stress on developing young brains is a close connection. So curiously, under performance on the psct or SCT or AC t when handled well, can actually help you become closer to your kid and become a greater source of solace to them. And kind of Teflon, emotional Teflon against the effects of stress that they're going to experience going through junior year and senior year of high school. Also know that when people can share hard feelings, when they feel like we're really trying hard to understand their perspective, it brings down their heart feelings, and it brings all those executive functions back online. So kids are much more likely to be able to figure out a path towards the performance, including test performance, that they want. The last thing is that as a parent, you really have a keen interest in trying to help your kid, including on under performance, if that's what it is, on the psct, SCT, or AC, T, and you're much more well positioned to help your kid with underperformance, figuring it out and then finding solutions when they will openly share with you hard feelings. So in the end, when kids have hard feelings, do your best not to try to talk them out of it, but just respect and honor and validate that they have reasons to feel the way that they feel. And probably the last thing that we as parents say kind of the coup de grace that we think is the right thing, but again, can sometimes sort of miss the MARC. Oh, sweetheart. We don't care how you do as long as you do your best. Well, although we as parents are trying to communicate caring and respect for our kids, unintentionally, we're still setting an impossible standard that really invites a character judgment. You're good enough, in my book, if you try hard enough, if you sweat hard enough, if you struggle hard enough, if you suffer hard enough. And who gets to judge whether it was their best? It leaves kids constantly questioning themselves and feeling like, I don't know, it's a test of their character, rather than their test taking ability, that they have to struggle enough to be all right. In our eyes, it makes kids feel guilty if they don't give their full effort. And let's be honest, nobody gives 100% of effort on everything all the time. It's not humanly possible. And with all this, we love you. So long as you do your best, you're okay. As long as you do your best, we actually, unintentionally are increasing the very pressure that as parents you're trying to decrease. So what do we say instead? I get that you're mad, for what it's worth. I just want to tell you this, kiddo, I love you no matter how you do or Honestly, how hard you work, saying that lowers the pressure and the stress and lets kids know that we love them. They were on their side. Emotionally, they worked hard or they didn't work hard, and either way, they've got scores that they're not proud of or they're not happy about, and emotionally, emotionally, want to take their side on those natural consequences. Now you might be thinking, if you done this, this, this or that, I get it, this is not the time for that. And in part, when we take a kid's perspective on it, they're just as likely, even more likely, to recognize the thing that they should have done or things that they should not have done. And if they done it differently, they'd be in a different place, including with their scores. So emotionally when we have negative consequences, we want to take a kid's side on it. We don't want to be on the side of the CT, for heaven's sakes, when kids feel like we're on their side and we have their back, it makes it easier for them to be honest with themselves and open about the things that they might need to do differently. It also makes it easier for them to not just work hard, but to want to work hard, to put themselves out there, especially if they're anxious to kind of charge into battle and say, Let's go. We'll see how this goes, and to know that if they got to get beat up, that they have a safe base to retreat to someone who will ask questions in an open way, take interest in their perspectives and offer support if your kid wants to try again, if kids do decide to take the test again, ideally, they'll prepare well or maybe differently at this time, they'll take your input and your feedback and your suggestions and ideally do even better next time, also, and this is important if. When kids go to take tests, there are a lot of things in their heads. It's not just math formulas and what loquacious actually means, and when the heck do you use a semicolon, but a lot of thoughts about belief and ability, confidence, anxiety or the lack thereof, and a lot of the words that are in their heads come from you as their parents, things you've said to them, things they've overheard you say about them, and the words that are in their heads, especially from you, make a real difference. So as much as we can, let's make those be words of confidence, of approval and support, words and messages that will linger long after and matter much more than test scores. I'm Ned Johnson, and this is the self driven Job Podcast. Hey folks, Ned here, over the past 25 years, I've talked to countless parents of high school age students who care deeply about their kids' education and how they deal with stress and the pressure to succeed, it can help parents to work with a team they trust won't just pile on more pressure to achieve better scores and grades. That's why I founded prep matters in 1997 to create a different kind of experience for test preparation and academic tutoring. This podcast and my books with my friend Bill sticks root reflect our company philosophy and approach to helping students. If you have a high school age student and would like to talk about putting a plan together, please get in touch with us. Visit our website@prepmatters.com or while your kids may only text, you might want to actually talk with a person. If so, you can reach us at 30195103501, 9510350, you.