The Self-Driven Child

How to Have Happy Holidays: What Science Suggests

• Ned Johnson • Season 1 • Episode 64

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In this episode, I dig into one of my favorite topics—what really makes us happy—and why the holidays are the perfect time to rethink how we create joy for ourselves and our kids. If you’ve ever wondered why the things you anticipate don’t always end up being the things that actually fill your heart, you’re not alone. I explore the science behind pleasure versus happiness, why we confuse the two, and how small intentional choices can make the holiday season feel richer, calmer, and more meaningful.

Rather than chasing quick hits of dopamine, I walk through the PERMA model and share science-backed ways to help kids—and ourselves—feel more grounded, connected, and genuinely content. If you’re craving a holiday experience that lingers well beyond the wrapping paper and pumpkin pie, this episode will help you set the stage.

 

Links & Resources:

[0:00] – Opening welcome + exciting announcement about our new workbook
 [1:20] – Why the holidays bring both joy and disappointment
 [2:18] – Pleasure vs. happiness: how dopamine tricks us
 [4:10] – The rush of rewards, hedonic adaptation, and why pleasure fades
 [5:30] – Serotonin and the science of contentment
 [6:20] – Reflecting on past holidays and why those memories stick
 [7:05] – Introducing PERMA: the science of lasting happiness
 [7:40] – P: Positive emotions—exercise, rest, gratitude, and Thanksgiving traditions
 [8:55] – E: Engagement—how “I get to” changes everything
 [9:35] – R: Relationships—the strongest predictor of long-term happiness
 [10:51] – M: Meaning—why contributing and giving matter more than getting
 [12:40] – Achievement—keeping accomplishment in healthy perspective
 [14:10] – Better conversation starters for kids and teens
 [15:20] – How intentional activities shape half of our happiness
 [16:15] – Final reflections on gifts, gratitude, and meaningful experiences
 [17:20] – Closing thoughts + message for parents who may want extra support

 

Links & Resources

If this episode has helped you, remember to rate, follow, and share the Self-Driven Child Podcast. Your support helps us reach more people and create more content that makes a difference. 

If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com

Ned Johnson:

Hey, folks, Ned here, like me, you want your kids, your students, honestly, all the young people you know, to thrive, and you know how much you can help. But like me, you probably also recognize that you fall short more than you like to, in part because we tend to revert to old ways. We hear a great suggestion or learn a new approach, but to easily fall back into the same darn things that didn't work before, it isn't easy, which is why I'm really excited to share with you that Bill and I have a new book out this spring, the seven principles for raising a self driven child, a workbook. Our goal is to make it easier to put into practice more of the advice from our first two books, the self driven child and what do you say? Full of reflections and exercises to do yourself with your partner and with your children, we want to help make the self driven child way your way, so you can, more often than not, be as effective as you want to be with your kids in ways that we know you want to be if you get a chance, order a copy Bill and I and your kids would be grateful engagement for kids that could be the youngsters breathless from jumping into leaf piles over and over, or mastering a song to play for that captive audience of loving relatives. Could be deeply engaged in Legos for hours, or really any other game. For my wife and my daughter, they spend hours every holiday doing the most devilish of puzzles. Shout out, by the way, to Liberty puzzles. Welcome to the self driven child podcast. I'm your host, Ned Johnson and co author with Dr William stixord of the books the self driven child, the science and sense of giving your kids more control over their lives and what do you say? How to talk with kids to build motivation, stress, tolerance and a happy home. I hope you're looking forward to Thanksgiving and the coming holidays. Tis the season of joy and giving all kinds of things that bring us pleasure and give us happiness, but they're not the same. Wait what curious to know why I know I was I'm Ned Johnson, and this is the self driven child podcast. The holidays can be a source of such enjoyment. But we also know that this time of year can bring disappointment let down, especially when the movie that we have playing in our heads turns out not to be the one that we seem to be starring in. And there are many reasons why things that we think are going to bring us happiness simply don't. Part of this is a misunderstanding about just what does bring us happiness? In short, it's really easy to confuse pleasure for happiness and to pursue pleasure thinking it will bring us happiness when it won't, because we all want to have holidays filled with joy and happiness. Let's get a little nerdy about just what happiness looks like let's start with a thought experiment. As you picture the holidays before you What are you looking forward to? What are you picturing? Make a list in your head, food, friends, music, exchanging gifts, getting or giving a coveted sweater or toy. Seen people you've not seen for a long while, a glass or more of wine, decorations, decorating itself, making music, seeing a new film that just dropped a really good nap. Unrush meals where you linger in conversation. Unrush board games in rooms filled with laughter. A really good book your cousin whose jokes make you snort despite yourself, that pumpkin pie. Oh, that pumpkin pie. What good things do you picture now? Go back in your mind to the best moments of holidays past. Do the same thoughts come to mind are the things you're looking forward to the same things that you reflected on from the past, likely not when we project, we often zoom in on or for pleasurable things. When we reflect, we more often focus on sources of happiness. For example, when you visit your ghosts of Christmases past happy ones, my hunch is you're smiling more about your wacky cousin with the even wackier sense of humor than you are about that second piece of pie that you snarfed or present number three that you received. Here is why pleasure is rooted in the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is released in the anticipation of reward and from gratification of having those expectations met. There are many things that we look forward to that excite us, that we anticipate, but it doesn't last. Think about your dog when you open a can of food, bonkers, right? But once your beloved canine has snarfed down the food, does he look at you loving with a deep sense of satisfaction and contentment that lingers? No. He. Wants more and we do the same. This is why getting an award, opening a present, a workplace bonus, winning a game, a social media post that goes viral, all so fun, all so pleasing, so pleasurable. Lots of dopamine. But then we start jonesing for the next hit, the next one. The pleasure doesn't last. Here's a personal example. Earlier this year, Bill and I got word that our book, the self driven shot, was featured in the new Bridget Jones movie. What a rush. But predictably, it didn't last. We also experienced what's called hedonic adaptation, meaning that we need a bigger hit, a bigger win next time to get the same as the first time we got it at its worst, dopamine is also the neurotransmitter of addiction. What about happiness? Then? Good question. Well, it's more ethereal, but not as evanescent the neurotransmitter is serotonin. It's the chemical of contentment. It's born of moments that aren't rushes. It's what you might feel like at the end of a Thanksgiving dinner, when everyone is seated around the table after the kids have scattered, and you catch up with folks for an hour or more, and you don't get just be in their company, unrushed as much as you like and like people you happily linger with happiness itself lingers. Let's go back for a moment to some of those reflections from years past. What are some of the things that brought you happiness? Chances are, when you reflected on those, your brain flooded again with serotonin. Thinking about happy memories can still bring a smile to your face. Happiness lingers, and memories of happiness are nearly permanent. That's why so many wise people advise us to create memories they keep on giving. Now let's apply the science of happiness to creating those memories. The Science of Happiness, nerd, oh, you betcha, perma will make them permanent. Perma, P, positive emotions, E, engagement, R, relationships, M, meaning a, achievement. So with that in mind, how can we use our time over the holidays and especially time with our kids to foster not simply pleasure, which has its place, but more so happiness. How can we make experiences permanent? Let's lean into the science again. Peep positive emotions. Well, some of that is wiring. Some people are born more glass, half full, and others less, but more of our positive emotions are shaped by sleep, exercise, meditation, gratitude practices. Few examples for around Thanksgiving, that Thanksgiving football game with everyone out there is great for more than grass stained kids and oldsters who, like me, who limp around for days. It's good for our happiness. Exercise rewires brains, not just blowing off stress short term, but actually wires brains that are more content, that handle adversity better and lead to greater happiness. Gratitude, practice Thanksgiving. It's in the name for goodness sakes and the Thanksgiving dinner that I get to attend, every person at the table, right down to the toddlers, is given an opportunity to express their thanks for something they're truly grateful for. I know Bill spends Thanksgiving with friends he has known for decades from the TM world. They break bread together and meditate together, and then, of course, rest, everyone will have a more positive outlook, more positive emotions, with a good nap, or maybe two. And fun fact, tryptophan increases sleepiness, but also releases serotonin. Woo hoo. So maybe take a walk to ward off the tryptophan, but then also enjoy that nap when the sleepiness kicks in. E is engagement. What do we do for engagement around Thanksgiving? Gosh, so many things for some that might be cooking itself elbow deep in making pies, polishing your grandparents' silver. Domestic tasks can be chores, or they can be engaging. And it helps a lot to have it be engaging, to have that sense that I get to not irked that I've got to for me, I love doing the dishes seriously, particularly when I'm at another home, when I can express my gratitude by saying, Please all of you who did all the work in preparing this beautiful meal, go sit, go linger. I'll clean everything. There's nothing like taking a mountain of dishes and turning it into a sparkling clean kitchen to make me feel well engaged and happy engagement for kids that could be the youngsters breathless from jumping into leaf piles over and over, or mastering a song to play for that captive audience of loving relatives, could be deeply engaged in Legos for hours, or really any other game. For my wife and my daughter, they spend hours every holiday doing the most devilish of puzzles. Shout out, by the way, to Liberty puzzles. Our relationships. The Holidays offer chances for unrushed conversation that brings us closer while we're cooking, while we're cleaning, doing those dishes during a walk with or without the dog, or doing those puzzles are 100 other things. It's hard to overstate the importance of relationships, not just at the holidays, but for our health and happiness generally. The longest study on health and happiness in the US is the Harvard study of adult development. Started in 1838, the primary finding of which is that good relationships are the most important factor for long term health and happiness. M is meaning. How do we find meaning purpose in our lives and at the holidays that can be spending part of that long weekend at a food pantry giving more to those who have less, attending religious services for kids, teaching a younger cousin how to skateboard or double dutch, reading a book with someone you care about, watching your grandfather's dedication to keeping the bird feeders full. It's part about being something outside of yourself and bigger than you. Along those lines, I highly encourage giving every kid a chance to contribute in the planning serving or clean up of family meals, especially Thanksgiving. Remember that they are making memories too, and we want them to have memories of helping, of feeling meaningful and for what it's worth, I recommend giving choice. You get much more buy in, much more enthusiasm for contributing. If you share a list of things to be done and ask your tots or teens what tasks they think they can help with, giving them choice is a respectful way to ask them to step up rather than being voluntold teens especially are so much more apt to be motivated than irritated when we give them choices rather than commands. Lastly, reminder that contributing, helping, giving of ourselves feels meaningful and is a proven source of happiness. Quick Study that makes the powerful point. People on the street were given $5 for $20 half are told they could spend the money on themselves. Half are told they needed to spend it on others. In general, regardless of how they were told to spend the money, they predicted they would be happier spending the money on themselves, and that spending$20 would make them happier than spending five But a week later, those who spent the money others reported a significant increase in happiness, and it turned out the amount of money, five or $20 didn't make a difference. The takeaway, giving rather than getting is what increases our happiness, and it doesn't matter how much, even contributing in a small way to the family Thanksgiving dinner feels meaningful and increases happiness. Lastly, achievement. We love to catch up on what folks have been up to, a new job, a new promotion, moved across the country, a new house, what kids are doing, honor roll at school, fantastic. What college so and so is applying to or already got into that niece who made varsity basketball, all good. But sometimes those conversations can careen into humble bragging or maybe just bragging that no one really feels so good about. And the American tendency can be to give a little too much room to achievement, creating a little bit less space for everything else. Let achievement have a seat at the table, but don't let it crowd out everything else. What does that look like for our adult conversations with kids and teens, especially well, ask your kids in sibs about the things that they're doing well in but don't lean in too much to that achievement culture, especially talking with kids give thoughts to asking about more than How is school going, or what are your grades like this year? The questions we kind of naturally ask, but which inadvertently fuel this narrow focus on achievement. Instead, consider asking questions that build the relationship with them and explore what is meaningful for them. I don't know, for example, what's the funniest thing you've done or seen in the last few weeks that'll probably get a phone pulled up, but still, it's a conversation about things that feel meaningful to them, besides school. What are you into these days? What are your friends into? Are there books or movies you've really liked and you'd recommend for me, what issues are important to you and your friends that you wish adults took more seriously? What are things you're looking forward to in the next month or two? Remember, kids are just as complex as adults. Teens, especially, maybe more so, because they're putting hard work into thinking about who they want to be in the world. And as anyone who's had the privilege of watching a generation or two behind them turn from tots to teen. To legit adults, as I have with my kids. You know, it's fun to watch kids grow and figure out who they want to be and how they want to contribute to it. I love the thinking of Finnish philosopher Frank Martella, who observes this, the meaning of life is doing things that are meaningful to you, that make you meaningful to other people. It's so cool to watch teens do that, and it's so fun to share in that conversations that allow us to understand what is meaningful for others is really neat, and the unrest time together that holidays can offer is such a gift to make time and space for those important conversations. Lastly, psychologist and author of the how of happiness, Sonya lubomirsky suggests that perhaps half of happiness is wiring again, glass, half full, but more so is intentional activity, which is important because it's easy this time of year, and maybe 10% is life circumstances an important reminder, because this time of year, well, really, any time of year, it's easy to compare ourselves, perhaps unfavorably, to others who has a nicer house, whose kids are doing better, who gets more and better presents. But ultimately, it's not the house, but what you do in the house, it's not the success of the kids. It's the relationship with kids. It's not the presence, but what you do with them and who you share them with. And lastly, as we move into the season of giving and getting gifts, a quick reminder that things don't give meaning to people or experiences, experiences and people give meaning to all of us during the holidays. I hope you can spend time with people who matter to you and share experiences with them that are meaningful to all finding both pleasure and happiness Happy Holidays. I'm Ned Johnson, and this is the self driven child podcast, Hey folks. Over the past 25 years, I've talked to countless parents of high school age students who care deeply about their kids' education and how they deal with stress and the pressure to succeed. It can help parents to work with a team they trust won't just pile on more pressure to achieve better scores and grades. That's why I founded prep matters in 1997 to create a different kind of experience for test preparation and academic tutoring. This podcast and my books with my friend Bill Stix root reflect our company philosophy and approach to helping students. If you have a high school age student and would like to talk about putting a plan together, please get in touch with us. Visit our website, at prep matters.com, or while your kids may only text, you might want to actually talk with a person. If so, you can reach us at 301-951-0350